How I get ready for a date

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I’ve gotten back on the ol’ Tinder bandwagon in the past week and the amount of men asking me to their locale for dates has convinced me that men,both potential suitors and clients, both potential suitors and clients, have little how much effort it takes to get ready to go out, whether for a date and/or a booking. Sure, you’ve all witnessed your wives and girlfriends primp themselves in front of the mirror and you’ve heard at least one woman shrug and say ‘Yeah, it takes a long time for me to get ready,’ whenever they’re confronted about it. But very few of you know the minutiae of the getting ready process. So I’d thought I’d break it down for you in a step-by-step process

Shower time:

  1. Washes self
  2. Shaves entirety of both legs, armpits and vag.
  3. Washes hair.
  4. Conditions hair, making sure to leave it in for at least two minutes.
  5. Washes face with cleanser.
  6. Washes face with facial scrub.

Post-shower:

  1. Moisturises entirety of body.
  2. Applies serum, eye cream and moisturiser to face.
  3. Puts on bra, panties, garter belt and stockings (I only do this for dates in my capacity as an escort).

Make-up

  1. Applies facial primer.
  2. Applies cream concealer to under-eyes, nose and chin.
  3. Goes over cream concealer with liquid concealer.
  4. Applies eyeshadow primer.
  5. Applies base eyeshadow.
  6. Applies contouring eyeshadow.
  7. Blends contouring eyeshadow.
  8. Applies highlighting eyeshadow.
  9. Applies liquid liner to top lash line.
  10. Uses pencil liner on lower lashline.
  11. Curls eyelashes.
  12. Applies 2 coats of mascara.
  13. Uses eyebrow pencil.
  14. Blends in concealer.
  15. Applies tinted moisturiser to face. Uses brush to blend with concealer.
  16. Applies blush.
  17. Applies highlighter to cheekbones.
  18. Brushes on lipstick.

Hair:

  1. Applies conditioning oil then combs it through.
  2. Blow-dries upside down, using a round nylon-bristle brush.
  3. Curls the ends of hair with a GHD.

Then I put on a dress an high-heels, which I have to walk around in all night.

It may seem like a lot of steps but consider this, I don’t even wear foundation, bronzer or false eyelashes- imagine how many extra steps those would add, especially the falsies.

And after all that, these Tinder fuckboys want me to get in my car, drive away from my cushy suburban locale to their inner west/city share house without even the promise of head?

Not happening, brah. You come to my hood.

 

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