I’m a shallow bitch

“If you just saw me on the street, would you consider going out with me?”

Don’t ask me this, because the answer is no. No exceptions.

I admit, there are some times when, after spending time with a client I’ve thought, would I go out with him? These clients never ask me that question.

And the answer to my question is still no, because I never go out with clients.

I had a booking last week that I’m going to remember for the rest of my life and not for good reasons. After 4 hours with this gentleman I was on the phone to my friend in a panic, saying ‘Maybe I’m not cut out for this (escorting) anymore.’ Turns out I am still cut out for escorting. I’m just not cut out for spending time with people who demand so much from me emotionally.

This client and I were talking about Tinder. Then he asked me, ‘If you saw me, would you swipe right or left?’ I told him that I’d swipe left. He appreciated my honesty and didn’t take it too hard. I still felt bad, not because I felt guilt or anything, I felt bad because that question made me resent him. I thought, ‘Here I am, in all of my beauty, providing for you physically, intellectually and sexually and you still want more? Fuck you man, haven’t I given you enough?’

Now you might say, it’s just a question. But it’s not. This guy wasn’t looking to satisfy his curiosity. It’s more than a question, it is an expression of hope. When clients ask me this question, they are really asking if they have a shot with me at all. The reason I resent them for asking is because this question forces me into the position of the bad guy for saying no. I don’t like being the bad guy.

The reason bookings become such an ordeal with these types of clients is because it forces me to be on my guard. No longer can I openly talk about my life, my interests and my experiences like I usually do. Because these types of clients are full of hope this also means that they are somewhat desperate. 

Because they are desperate, they will read into everything I say. For instance, if I tell them about why I’m studying for my current degree, the average client will think ‘Oh, she’s studying that. How interesting,’ and that’s it. Desperate clients, however, will read into like this: ‘She’s telling me something personal about her life, this means she trusts me. She must really like me if she trusts me that much.’

So whenever clients ask me if I’d ever go out with them, my guard goes up because I cannot trust them to not read into everything I say as me liking them as more than a client. I become uncharacteristically quiet, giving one-word answers. More importantly, I become uncomfortable, the booking becomes a chore as I count down to it ending.

But what really gets me about this question is that it’s never the ones with their shit together who ask me if I’d ever go out with them. It has been a long time since I was asked that. One of the things I love about being a private escort is that I never get asked this question. The client who asked me this question was so far out of my league it wasn’t funny.

Now I know what you’re going to say now, ‘Why is she talking about someone being out of her league? That’s so shallow. Who does she think she is, a fucking model?’ Let me explain. The reason I am out of his league is not because he was ugly. The reason I am out of his league is because of the effort I put into myself, physically.

I’ve already detailed the effort that goes into preparing for a date in a previous post, including how I get properly made up, do my hair and shave every inch of my body bar my arms. But there is a lot more to making myself look good than that:

• I spend $200 and 3 hours of my time each month getting blonde highlights in my hair. Shock horror- I am not a natural blonde!
• Every 6 weeks, a stranger literally lasers my vagina and its surrounding area to prevent regrowth. Can you imagine the pain involved in having an ultra-hot laser zapped deep into my epidermis? It’s worse than a wax, but unlike a wax it only lasts 5 minutes so it’s better really. But still, I don’t see dudes lining up to have their junk lasered. The occasional rug burn on my vag testifies to this.
• I spend 2 hours every fortnight manicuring and pedicuring. If I paid it would only be a little less time (because I’d be getting shellac or acrylics on my fingernails instead of just going with a plain polish) but would cost around $80 for a full shellac mani-pedi.
• I pluck my brows.
• Once a week I apply a deep-conditioning mask to my hair. I have to leave it for 10 minutes then rinse it out. You have no idea how much of a pain it is to have to have 2 showers 10 minutes apart.
• I have a strict skincare regimen. Every morning, I wipe my face with a cotton ball soaked in toner, then I apply moisturizer, eye cream, lip balm and sunscreen. At night, I cleanse my face in the shower. I wipe with the toner, apply serum, eye cream, moisturizer and lip balm. Then I will apply lotion to my entire body. Twice a week I will wash my face with a facial scrub after cleansing my face. Once a week I will exfoliate using exfoliation gloves and soap-free body wash- then I will apply a heavier moisturizer to my entire body. Another thing I do once a week is apply a face mask, which are these paper things soaked in moisturizer that you fit to your face and leave for 10-15 minutes.
• I go to the gym 2-3 times per week for at least an hour each time. I do 10-15 minutes of cardio (because I fucking hate cardio), 20 minutes of abs and stretches and 30 minutes of resistance training.

The last client who asked me if I would ever go out with him was not physically attractive at all, but not because he lost the genetic lottery. He was unattractive for the following reasons:

• His hair was greasy.
• He had poor complexion. He told me he was on this prescription cream for it but not much else. I asked him about his skin care regimen and he said that he didn’t do much except for apply the prescription cream and wash his face in the shower with soap.
• After he had showered, he had dead skin caught up in his chest hair.
• Even though he had showered, I had to literally scrub his dick with baby wipes to get rid of the smaegma.
• He was skinny but unhealthy. I asked him if he ever exercised and he said no. I didn’t bother asking him about his diet.

After comparing the effort he puts into his appearance to mine, it is logical to conclude that no, I am not shallow for finding this man unattractive. In fact, I think the whole concept of ‘shallow’ was invented by entitled bitter men to absolve them of any fault in their lack of a companion.

Sure, the acne thing is not his fault. Having had many people close to me suffer the perils of severe acne I know better than to judge someone for it. However, when someone is lumped with a predicament they should deal with it accordingly. For instance, I have depression, thus I take antidepressants and see a psychiatrist. My first ever boyfriend was on Roaccutane for his acne. On top of taking a medication with severe side-effects, he had a similar skin care regimen to mine: He cleansed and moisturized at least twice a day. It was from him that I got the idea of mixing jojoba oil with my moisturizer. I had another hooker friend on Roaccutane who ate a mostly vegan diet and followed a similar skin-care regimen to me, except she used take of her make-up inbetween bookings to prevent break-outs whereas most women would just take theirs off at the end of the day. The fact that all this guy did was apply prescription cream every now and then meant that he hadn’t dealt with his predicament. Therefore I happily judge him for his skin issues.

Earlier this year I was asked out by a fellow uni student who, upon my rejection, said ‘I never knew you to be so shallow.’ This guy had long hair which he never brushed but always wore in a pony tail. Parts of it were matted, that’s how messy his hair was. He never exercised so he was unhealthy with a pot belly. All he ever wore were jeans and a black t-shirt. I’m all for rejecting style for functionality but his t-shirts always had tiny balls of lint on them and if I stood close enough to him I could smell whether it was his laundry day or not. To top it off, he was a neckbeard- you know those guys who can’t grow a beard on their face but they can on their jaw and neck and they just let it all grow out? Yep, he was one of those.

But no, uni dude is still single because we’re all shallow bitches.

How do I conclude this rambling post? I suppose the moral of all of my anecdotes is that if you can’t understand why you’re still single, look at yourself. Don’t go asking escorts to tell you what you want to hear and don’t go blaming everyone else for your lack of a companion either. Put some effort into looking after yourself first.